Responding to the unfairness of it all.

I remember when we took Ryan's sister to Emmett's grave, she made a statement that really struck me.  As we were looking at all of the headstones, reading the dates, and looking at all of the mementos parents had left - toy cars, stuffed animals, and so on, she said, "It isn't right, it's just so unfair. This shouldn't exist."  Then last night I was on my support page, made up of a group of women who have lost children, and as I was looking at someone's post regarding their son's funeral (happening today, so pray for that family), I started to cry and I said the same thing to Ryan, "It just isn't fair."

Because it's not fair at all.  There is no circumstance or act in the world that could merit the pain of this kind of loss.  I've said before that I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy, because I really wouldn't.  No matter what kind of person someone is, no one deserves to go through this.  The pain of losing a child cuts to the core, and it never goes away.  We go on in life, and we learn to cope, but the pain never leaves.  I'm only a couple months into this grief thing, and although I manage to live, I know the deep ache for my son is never going to leave me.  I'm never going to stop wishing this hadn't happened;  I'm never going to wake up one day and suddenly feel like, "Well, that's in the past, and I'm good now."  

I will continue to press on, but sometimes the darkness of the valley we're in really presses in on me.  It's so difficult to see past it sometimes, but I try to anyway.  I hang onto the promise of the Psalm pictured below like my life depends on it, because sometimes my life really does depend on it.  I hang onto my faith, lean into Jesus for the millionth time, and inch my way towards healing.  

The Lord IS my shepherd, I lack nothing…

HE refreshes my soul…

Even though I walk through the darkest valley…

You are with me… 

Surely your goodness and love will follow me.

I would ask anyone who reads these words to take them to heart, even for a moment.

Life is hard, frustrating, and disappointing.  Truly, without God, it is also hopeless, but how wonderful it is that we have a choice presented to us…we can choose Jesus.  His love never fails!  With Him, we lack nothing.  I know, because I've been walking a dark path for 64 days.  

I have experienced 64 days of pain, despair, anger - grief.

I have experienced 64 days of heartbreak, daily wondering why this had to happen to us, to me.

Through all of that though, I swear to you, I have had 64 days of Jesus meeting me where I am. 

I have felt His arms around me when I lay in my bed, sobbing, paralyzed with sorrow.

I have felt His peace as I walk through the darkest valley.

I have known His patience with me as I scream, "Why?" 

I have felt His sorrow as He walks with me through mine, because the Lord hates robbery.

I have felt His presence as I stare in wonderment at photos of the newborn perfection, who is my son.

The Bible, and all of the people who have told me before, didn't lie or exaggerate - if you call on Him, He will answer.  He will be the source of your strength.  When you wonder how you're supposed to do anything, He will support you and give you what you need to keep moving forward.

I would implore you to open your heart to Him.  Sometimes I worry about sounding too fanatical, but it's too late.  I feel zealous, and I have a strong desire to have everyone around me know the peace I know, and to have the hope that I have.