When we talk about our future plans, I struggle with feeling excited. I once again wonder how or why I should be feeling this excitement, especially when I think about having more children in the future. A few people have asked whether or not we will continue growing our family, and the answer is yes, we believe it's part of our future. When it comes to actually thinking about that happening though, Ryan and I have really struggled with the feeling of guilt, and have discussed at length what growing our family means for us. We know we can never replace Emmett; he is our first son, he will always be our first son. We understand that having another baby one day does not mean we are getting him back.
With all of that being said, sometimes we still feel kind of guilty, and yet somehow we still feel completely at ease with the thought of another baby. Mostly because we have made sure we truly understand that it's a new baby, another child. We believe the desire to continue having children, or just to have a family, is completely normal, and even biblical. (Another post for another day :) I've said it a million times, and I'll probably say it a zillion more times, but grief is weird. Each stage is strange. Walking through the guilt of looking forward to the future has been so strange. Before this happened, the future was just the future. Looking forward and thinking about our future children was just this hypothetical, questionable, but good thing. Now it almost feels like a war rages inside of me, battling is happening between the emotions of excitement and betrayal. I would never want anyone to think, nor would I want to deceive myself, that Emmett is replaceable…because he's not. (We joke a lot in our house about how our next kid has so much to live up to, because Emmett has left some big shoes to fill, between how he's impacted the world, and how CUTE he is!) Finding the balance of all these emotions is a real struggle. #thestruggleisREAL
Then, in looking forward, I can't help but to wonder, will our next pregnancy be emotionally difficult? (Probably.) Having had this kind of loss, we have lost the innocence of pregnancy. The cold reality is, we had a completely smooth and uncomplicated pregnancy. I read here that 1 in 160 pregnancies end in stillbirth (from 20 weeks gestation to term). Unfortunately, I have had a difficult time finding more statistics regarding the specifics of my circumstance. We made it to term with Emmett, without any complications in my pregnancy. I feel like this means our next time around might possibly be filled with worry…but we've already started praying, and already began asking God that when the time does come for our family to grow, that He would be with us and give us peace. I believe He will, because He has never failed us.
As far as people who think they may not want another baby after a loss, I totally get why you would feel that way. It wasn't a question for Ryan and I, we've always known we wanted more children, and even though pregnancy may look scarier now, we know it's what is right for us. I think when you go through this sort of loss, you (and your partner) need to process what's happened, and decide together what's best for your family. I totally get that you might not want to deal with the fear and stress of another pregnancy, but you can have hope. A life is still something to be celebrated, and another baby is a new life, a different life. Only you can decide and know what is right for you, but maybe I've given you something to at least consider.
For those who have had a loss and are unable to physically continue having a family, my heart aches for you. I have had a few different people in my life who have struggled with getting pregnant, and a couple of people who, (although they didn't go through losses), wound up simply being physically unable to bear children. I can't imagine the process you go through with that kind of news, but please know that my heart is with you. Know that I hurt for you, and even though it's awful and it hurts, you can also have hope. I truly believe Jesus will draw close to your broken heart, if you'll allow Him the room to do so.
Ultimately, even though I struggle with feeling guilty about the future, and what it may look like, I know that I can have hope. Not to sound too preachy or church-y, but I know that Jesus is my only hope, and that He will grant peace if I ask Him for it. I'm so thankful that I don't have to clean myself up, and worry about "fixing" myself before I go to Him. I'm so glad I can come as I am, and He'll gladly accept me, with all of my frustrations, guilt, anger, pain and shame. He is truly my only hope.
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That wraps up my three part series on feeling guilty. I tried to share these posts in the general order that we've experienced them, but if I'm being 100% real (which I genuinely try to be real all the time, I think that's the healthiest way to live), we've cycled through these different stages of guilt in grief several times. I'm not even sure that we will ever be completely rid of the emotion of feeling guilty. Like I've said before though, I believe it is important to walk through everything you feel. The only way to get through something like this is to allow yourself to walk through it. Unfortunately, the struggle with feeling guilty after a loss is normal. Whether it be for feeling like you caused something to happen, or feeling guilty about feeling normal or joyful, or feeling guilty about looking to the future - it's all a normal part of the process that we have to go through.
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