Emmett has been gone for one month, one week, and a day. It feels like yesterday, but also feels like years. I'm reaching the point in grieving where the initial shock seems to have (mostly) worn off, and those days seem more removed than they did even one week ago. I still have moments everyday where I find myself breaking down in tears, and each day I find myself sincerely coaching myself to get out of bed, and to try to stay positive. This week has been the first week though that I've felt just a smudge more like myself. Or rather, my new self, since I've experienced the life and death of our first child, I don't think I'll ever be exactly the way I was before.
We attended a community group on Monday night, after spending a couple of hours in my kitchen (I actually cooked for the first time in weeks). Tuesday I spent a solid portion of the day in the kitchen again, baking macarons. (Which was probably good because it was also my first day totally by myself all day, and since macarons are so dang tedious, I didn't really have too much time to think about anything else.) Then that evening we went out to dinner and hung out with friends. Yesterday my sister came and spent the day with me, watching Frozen, playing cards, and eating kale chips (which are insanely addictive. You're crazy if you think otherwise. I don't care what you say.) You know what stood out the most to me about these past few days though?
I only cried once or twice each day.
I just allowed myself to have my moments, and then I'm okay. I don't force myself to hurry through those moments. I've said it before, but everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way, no standard timeline that you follow, and anyone who says otherwise is a fool (please note my extreme emphasis there). There are good days, there are bad days, and there are extremely dark days (anyone who has experienced pain or loss knows what I'm talking about).
I think I've said this before, but even when I was in the hospital, I remember asking everyone I encountered, "What do I do? How do I do this? How do I just go home and live??" Everyone gave me the same answer, "One day at a time." So that's what I do, that's what I'm still doing. I'm not focusing too much on the long term, I'm still taking things one day at a time. There's a vacation that's happening in a few weeks that I think about quite a bit, but that's about as long-term focused as I'm getting. (It's a very spontaneous vacation, but well-deserved in our opinions. ;)
Taking things slowly though and one day at a time is what I would say is best for just about anyone facing a circumstance that they don't know how to handle. It's just not overwhelming that way…I'm the kind of person who would normally (and sometimes I still do), look at things and try to have it all figured out right that minute, and in situations like the one I'm in, that just doesn't feel super healthy.
So…we take things one day at a time - usually moment by moment, leaning into Jesus, hanging onto each other as we inch along…but nonetheless, moving forward, and making progress. I'm definitely way better off than I was even one week ago. For that I am so thankful…beyond thankful.
No comments:
Post a Comment