My life is really not bad. I look around at this crazy world around me and I know how good I have it. I have a loving husband and the cutest baby cat. (Seriously, don't even get me started on how obsessed I am with my cat.) I have a beautiful home, great friends, and food on the table everyday. We're plugged into an awesome church where we can use our limited (ha) musical talents to serve, and more importantly, we've been able to connect with some incredible people who have become like family.
I know I am blessed.
However, despite knowing how blessed I am, there are days when I am just plain lonely, and I feel like I don't even know what to do with myself, especially since Emmett died.
When we found out I was pregnant, we had just moved to Jackson literally about two weeks prior. I was in the process of deciding on which job I wanted to take, but once we found out I was pregnant, we decided it would be better for our family for me to stay home, so I could just rest and prepare for the baby. Anyone who has ever moved knows what a long process settling in can be…we had movers pack up all of our stuff and unload it, but to this day I am still rearranging the kitchen! So Ryan and I discussed it and decided me staying home was what was best for our now-growing family.
While I was pregnant, I had days where I couldn't move from the bed because I was so dizzy and nauseous (can I get a hey, hey from all the mama's/preggo's out there). On the days when I was up for moving around, I tried to continue the process of making our new house a home. Slowly as time and the pregnancy went on, it became less about the general settling in, and more about nesting for the baby, which was fine by me :)
Since everything has happened though, I have days where I have the hardest time even thinking about getting out bed, and then when I do, I feel so down. I have days where I don't feel like doing anything at all, but then that usually leads to me laying there thinking everything through, and that usually takes me down an ugly path of darkness.
Since everything has happened though, I have days where I have the hardest time even thinking about getting out bed, and then when I do, I feel so down. I have days where I don't feel like doing anything at all, but then that usually leads to me laying there thinking everything through, and that usually takes me down an ugly path of darkness.
This is just such a lonely road to travel. Even though I know I'm not traveling it alone, it feels very, very lonely. I sometimes have such a hard time choosing to feel joy, because I have this big hole in my heart. When we discovered I was pregnant with Emmett, my immediate sense was to protect and nurture my baby, even though he was only about the size of a pea. (Aw!) Then as time went on, he began to just take over my heart in the best way possible! When he died, he took part of me with him, and left me with this hole in my heart; he left me feeling very lonely. (I realize I sound like a bad country song right now, but can we just go with it?)
The reality of going through an extreme loss is you will have up's and down's, good days and bad days. There isn't a timeframe for your grief, and there isn't really a way to anticipate exactly how you'll feel, moment to moment. My reality oftentimes feels very lonely. Yes, I have my faith in God, and it has truly carried me through, but sometimes, when I'm sitting alone at my kitchen table having my morning coffee, I just feel so sad. Or when I'm going for a walk, alone, no baby stroller as I had been previously envisioning all of these months…it just feels awful and sad. Those are the moments when I know I have to choose Jesus, and choose peace, and I do, but it doesn't always mean instantaneous sunshine. It usually looks like a deep sigh, probably a few tears (watery eyes at the very least), and a new resolve to not drown in my grief.
This is the (very obvious) bottom line - I just miss our baby so much, and my heart is aching for the day when we get to see him again. Hope no one else was wanting to hold Emmett when we get to Heaven, because I don't think I'm going to be able to put him down once he's in my arms again.
The reality of going through an extreme loss is you will have up's and down's, good days and bad days. There isn't a timeframe for your grief, and there isn't really a way to anticipate exactly how you'll feel, moment to moment. My reality oftentimes feels very lonely. Yes, I have my faith in God, and it has truly carried me through, but sometimes, when I'm sitting alone at my kitchen table having my morning coffee, I just feel so sad. Or when I'm going for a walk, alone, no baby stroller as I had been previously envisioning all of these months…it just feels awful and sad. Those are the moments when I know I have to choose Jesus, and choose peace, and I do, but it doesn't always mean instantaneous sunshine. It usually looks like a deep sigh, probably a few tears (watery eyes at the very least), and a new resolve to not drown in my grief.
This is the (very obvious) bottom line - I just miss our baby so much, and my heart is aching for the day when we get to see him again. Hope no one else was wanting to hold Emmett when we get to Heaven, because I don't think I'm going to be able to put him down once he's in my arms again.
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