On choosing to have faith.

When I started writing this blog, I did it to help myself, and with the the small hope that maybe somehow my weak words would touch someone else's life.  After my first post, I started to hear from people how their lives have been impacted by Emmett's story, or how God spoke to them and ministered to them where they were.  Then I had a few people subtly (and not so subtly) start asking why I don't only talk about the loss we've experienced.

Please allow me to be frank with you:

This season has been the single most difficult season of my entire life.

I pray every single day that this will be the hardest thing we ever go through.  I can't imagine going through something more difficult than this (as far as I'm concerned).  The loss of our first son has been devastating; not a day goes by that we don't miss him or talk about him.  He is remembered, and we do feel pain.  With that being said…

I couldn't get through this without God.  I would be so hopeless.  Trust me, I have my moments where I feel like I'm having a mental breakdown.  I have days where it takes me hours to get out of bed, and I have had a few days where I didn't even really get out of bed.  In fact, 99% of the time lately, I feel exhausted from grief.  There have definitely been moments when I call Ryan at work and sob…so on and so forth…but truly, I couldn't do this without God.  He has been my source of strength.  I have truly felt peace knowing He is with me, walking every painful step with me.  Even in the hospital, when I was giving birth, I had a moment of panic and I looked at my midwife and said, "I can't do this!" I believe God worked through her sweet spirit in that moment to calm me and say, "Yes, you can. You're doing this. You can do this."

When this all started, I read some other women's stories, and maybe it's my lack of skill on how to navigate Google, but the only stories I seemed to come across were so dark.  Women just giving up and giving in to their grief.  Trust me, I know the darkness.  Each day I have to choose, over and over again, to not succumb to drowning in my sadness.  Every time I feel myself on the edge, I have to turn to Christ.  I try to call on Him, and ask Him to help me.  And you know what?  He does.  Whether it's a "church-y" kind of moment, or simply looking at a beautiful bouquet of flowers and remembering that with each day we are able to move forward - I can feel His presence.  I know He's real, I know He's faithful, even in this season; all I have to do is adjust my perspective.

It's easy to ignore God and say He isn't real if He is not at the center of my life.  It's easy to scream at Him and ask why He would allow any bad things to happen.  I mean, if He's God, doesn't that mean He has the power to do whatever he wants?

Loving God, believing in God, having faith - it's all a choice. (A choice that must be made daily!)  So that's what I choose to do.  I choose to lean, I choose to believe, I choose to have faith.  Yes, sometimes I wonder why God didn't answer all of our prayers for Emmett to live, but it's in those moments that I think of my pastor saying, "When you have faith, and believe God for something, and He doesn't answer your prayer, that's on Him. That is not on you."  My hope is still in Jesus, because I know He's real, and I know He loves me.  He weeps with me and He laughs with me; He walks through every season with me.

I'm aware that not everyone shares my belief's, and that's okay.  I believe we all have our own paths to choose, and I believe God can reach anyone where they're at, regardless of what they believe.  I'm simply thankful for Jesus, I'm thankful that He loves me through every trial, and that He is still at the right hand of the Father, praying on my behalf (trust me, I need it :).  I take so much joy and comfort knowing the God I serve is alive, that He is real, and He hears every cry.  Like I said, if I didn't have Jesus, I would not have hope, or peace.  He guides me, He goes before me.  Whatever you're going through, He's there, you just have to choose to see Him!  He doesn't need you to clean yourself up or adjust anything, you can come however you are.  Come with your questions, doubts, fears, anger, problems, He just wants you to come to Him.  He'll take care of the rest.