Those darker moments when we feel angry.

Anger has been such a confusing part of grief.

Throughout this entire process, I have found myself getting so angry.  Although I have my moments of peace, moments of sadness, I also have had some major moments of anger.  Sometimes it's justified, sometimes it has just been plain stupid.  I've struggled because I don't want to live in anger, and I don't want to set a poor example to those around me.  I've always been a bit on the sassy side (anyone who knows anything about me is chuckling after reading that, I'm sure), but since Emmett died, I feel like that side of me has just come out even more…which I don't really like.  I've been frustrated because as I'm reading through the stages of grief, because I feel confused about what "anger" should even look like.  Then I feel guilty, and wonder, is anger bad?

After some thought…it occurred to me - anger isn't a sin, it's how we choose to respond that can make it into sin.  How we process our anger, that's what can lead to sin or could be considered "bad".  Even God is angered though!  Everyone remembers the scripture that describes Jesus driving people out of the temple with a whip (yikes), or in Exodus, God Himself said, "The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love…"

Then I found myself looking closely at Ephesians 4:26, specifically the first part, that says, "Be angry and do not sin…"  So…I can be angry, and not sin.

I can be angry that my son died.
I can be angry that it happened to us.

I am allowed to feel anger, because it isn't fair what happened to us.  Our son should be alive.  We should have a baby boy who I should be able to dress in miniature Ryan outfits.  We are allowed to be angry, but how we choose to respond to our anger is the important thing to recognize and remember.  At the end of the day, we have to decide to choose hope again, even though we're angry and hurting.  I don't think God intended Emmett to die.  I don't really enjoy hearing people say, "God has a purpose for this, that's why Emmett is gone."  Maybe someday I'll feel differently, but for now, I really don't want to hear that.  Emmett should be alive.  He is alive in Heaven, but he should be alive here, with us.  Do I think God can create purpose and meaning out of our pain?  Absolutely!  I think He's starting to shape some purpose out of our grief even…but ultimately, God didn't intend for Emmett to die.  God wants us to live, and I believe the death of our son is because of the consequence of pain and death in this world.