Today is the first post in a three part series regarding the annoying, yet seemingly unavoidable feeling of guilt that happens to a parent who is grieving the loss of a baby or child. Guilt is so common, but not widely discussed from the point of view of the one feeling guilty. Let me just say this, when you're in my shoes, and it's your child who died, it does not matter how many people tell you it wasn't your fault - there is (what feels like) a never-ending war with feeling guilt over the death of your child.
I want to talk about how guilt is usually one of the first and normal reactions when you lose your baby or child. What I have found so far is most people only tell you, "It wasn't your fault/You couldn't have done anything/etc."; most people don't tell you how that feeling of guilt will still come in waves (even after you realize the death of your baby or child is ultimately out of your control), and you will have to choose to fight feeling guilty everyday. Guilt is a very normal reaction though, and most people will want to just tell you to not feel that way, because it isn't true, but I believe it is healthy to allow yourself to walk through that emotion, because it's a real one! No, it isn't true, but that doesn't make you not feel it, and simply ignoring it doesn't make it go away.
On learning that I was becoming a parent, I found that my immediate reaction to learning of our pregnancy was this feeling of extreme nurturing and protection for our tiny baby. I felt so empowered by the incredible miracle that was happening in my body; I even remember telling Ryan how I kind of constantly felt euphoric, knowing that my body was growing a baby (!). I would constantly be acutely aware of what was happening to my body, and did my best to make the best choices for myself so I could give Emmett a healthy home in my womb :) Throughout my pregnancy, I felt so grateful to not have any complications; I truly had an uneventful pregnancy.
The day we found out Emmett had passed, I went into a state of shock. (Well, technically, first I went into a state of hysteria, which was quickly replaced with shock.) When our midwife came into my hospital room the night we went to be induced, she took my hand, looked me in the eye and said very firmly, "This was not your fault, you did everything perfectly." Even though that thought (and that guilt) hadn't really crossed my mind too much at that point, it really helped a couple of days later to remember her saying that when the guilt started to set in.
Maybe I could have done something…
I should have known sooner that something wasn't right…
How did this happen?
I thought I did everything perfectly… ?
Why? How?
The harsh reality is there was nothing we could have done to have a different outcome. Although we didn't have an autopsy performed, all of the other tests that they ran came back completely normal, which ultimately led them to rule his death a cord accident. Understanding that this was unpreventable has been (and continues to be) such a painful process, because the guilt is still there; it's still so real. I have slowly but surely been learning to allow myself to understand and believe that everything was 100% out of my control. This has been the most difficult part of dealing with the guilt I feel in regards to what happened to Emmett, so now I've been trying to choose daily to fight the guilt.
I know there are other moms out there who have to deal with these feelings as well, and to you I say, I am so sorry that you're in this boat with me, but please know you are not responsible for your baby's death. You are still a mom, your baby still counts, and as horrible as it is, we each have to choose each day to remember and understand that their deaths were not in our control.
To my fellow moms of stillborn babies, I feel your pain. I feel your guilt. If you're like me and just learning to navigate the never-ending waters of grief after this kind of loss, please accept my hug via this blog post. Please know that I know how dark your guilt can feel, but know this - you are not guilty. I am not guilty. It isn't easy, but we can get through this, and we have to choose to fight the guilt, because even though it's a valid emotion, it is not truth. Walk through your emotions, allow yourself the room to feel, but don't accept those feelings of guilt as true - we are not guilty.
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