A Great and Terrible Loss.

A loss is a loss, but when you lose a child (regardless of their age), that is a spectacular burden that I refer to as a Great and Terrible Loss.

As a parent of loss, you can't help but wonder about all of the things that could have been.  I believe when you experience loss through miscarriage and stillbirth, you wonder about what kind of person your baby would have become.  Or, for the mom's who had earlier losses, you wonder about some of the details.  A friend of mine who has experienced a few earlier losses recently commented to me, "I just wonder what they look like." (And it's times like that that I realize how blessed we are to have known Emmett for as long as we did).  It's so easy to think about all of these things, and find ourselves so lost because the pain of not knowing what they're like is real.

The pain of wondering what Emmett's favorite color would have been is real…it sounds silly, but it's one of those little things that I wonder about.  A person is not just made up of a few basic things, we become a person through the sum of all of our tiny details.  We're defined by the little things - our likes and dislikes, personality quirks, and so forth.  Realizing we only experienced an inkling of those details with our son hurts beyond belief.

As a Christian, experiencing a Great and Terrible Loss is such a constant battle.  I truly feel hopeful when I think about the grand scheme of things, because I know that we will see our son again.  The hope and knowledge I have through what Christ did for us is real!  The Cross takes on new significance when you experience a Great and Terrible Loss.  I can choose hope in that…but as a mother, and as a human, my heart absolutely aches for the silly things.  I want to know Emmett's favorite color (and now that he's in Heaven though, I believe he's experiencing colors we can't even imagine, so there's that :).  I want to know if he had lived, and grown, what he would have wanted to do with his life.  (As of right now, his resume reads, "Emmett Austin Langford, World Changer".)  I want to know if he would have been as addicted to coffee as Ryan and I are.  (Probably.)

The little things.  The tiny parts that make up the whole of who you are as a person.  Those are the things I am missing today.