A bit about Mother's Day, and where I'm at (mentally) these days.

I enjoy setting a pretty table :)

This Mother's Day, I tried to keep things very, very simple.  I was trying to face the day with bravery, but by the end of the day, I was exhausted.  It wasn't even a particularly long day, I think I just wore myself out trying to not have a mental breakdown all day.  We started the day off on the right note, over at church, and I was thrilled to have my family come visit for second service.  One of the songs we sang that morning was "How He Loves", and of course I was turning into a snotty mess by the time second service was over.  It felt so sweet to encounter that sweet love, especially on such a hard day!

After church, my mom helped me finish putting our luncheon together.  My in-laws showed up just as we were finishing setting the food out, and we all sat down to eat.  The afternoon was a blur. I stayed as close to Ryan as I possibly could, and tried my best to keep a smile on my face.  We showed our family some of our photos from Disney, and ate strawberry shortcake.  When everyone left, we headed out to the cemetery.


The drive out to Ann Arbor was fairly quiet.  When we got to the cemetery, we stood quietly at Emmett's grave.  As usual, I cried, and felt sorry for myself.  Why us?  Why me?  This is not how I wanted to spend my first Mother's Day.

It was weird…the real tears didn't hit me until the day after Mother's Day.  I woke up on Monday and felt like I had been hit and run over by a train.  Seriously.  My mind immediately went to Emmett, as it does everyday when I wake up.  For the millionth time, I felt frustrated.

Friends, I'm not going to put up a front - I've been having a really hard time.  Each day I've been having to choose, over and over, to still trust God.  It's not easy.  I have people say dumb stuff almost daily, and each time I have to hear how God purposed Emmett to die (wrong), or whatever, I feel like strangling someone.  Needless to say, I haven't been feeling super peaceful over here.  The good news is, I've been digging deeper than ever into my Bible, and I can truly say I believe I can see the light at the end of this very dark, temporary tunnel of anger.

That's the thing about grief - it's all over the place.  It's uncharted territory every time, because it can look different for everyone.  If I were to map out what grief has looked like for me, in the sense of land, it would be mountains and valleys, with a lot of rivers.  I've had times when I felt like I was on top of the mountain, and then there are times like where I'm at now - digging a tunnel through the mountain with a spoon.  It's tiring, and very lonely.

So…all of that to say, please don't stop praying for us.  Everyone finds it so easy to say, "I'm praying for you," but if we're honest, half the time we don't actually do it.  When you're saying you're praying for me, I'm taking you seriously.  I am depending on your prayers.  As I'm walking through this valley, I believe it is by my faith in God, and the prayers of everyone around me, that is going to get me through.  So please…don't tell me you're going to pray for me if you're not actually going to pray.

Mother's Day was hard; it definitely took its toll on me.  I still feel tired from it, and I don't know where to go from there.  I'm very thankful for my family and friends who have remained close, but I'm exhausted.  I need some of you to lift up my arms spiritually, so please - PRAY.


(Just going to drop this family photo at the bottom of this post, because I love it and I wanted to share it with you.  Thanks a million for the free Mother's Day photo, Radiant!)

Family photo 2015, courtesy of Radiant JXN.