Since losing Emmett, I have struggled to find balance. I think I'm doing fairly okay, buy I have some of the ugliest days known to man. Days where I barely make it out bed…that kind of ugly.
The days where I am up and about leave me feeling guilty at the end. I struggle to fall asleep, because I had an okay, or even good day. I know it's good to have good days, and okay, and that my son wants me to be happy, but sometimes the pain of the gaping hole in my heart is too much. Have you tried functioning without your heart lately? Let me tell you, it isn't easy. In fact, there are many days where it seems almost downright impossible.
I say all of this though with the peace and understanding that God is with me, through it all. I know it sounds cliché, and preachy, and whatever - but I really am thankful for Jesus. Without Him, I would be an even bigger mess than I already am! Really. A few weeks ago, when we hit the three month day, I literally spent about four or five hours in the nursery, sobbing, and screaming hysterically at God. I gathered some of the little shoes I had agonized over choosing for Emmet, and one of his outfits, and I held them, and cried. My sweet, sweet husband didn't know what to do. I think I may have scared him a little (sorry, Ryan!). After I finally wore myself out, and ran out of things to say to God, I laid there, completely wiped out. My voice was shot, and suddenly all I could think about was how I didn't know if I would have a voice for Sunday morning's service.
The next morning, I called my mom and told her about my somewhat eventful evening. I had never spoken to God like that, much less screamed. I was nervous because of how intense it was. I was sharing my concern with my mom, and telling her how it kind of helped, but made me nervous, and she said, "Don't worry about it. He can take it."
He can take it.
Four little words impacted my heart in such a profound way; it has become all I can think about.
As a Christian, there seems to be this expectation that we have to act a "certain" way, 100% of the time. Don't get me wrong, I wholeheartedly believe in being the same person 100% of the time, (like, let's stop being shady and leading these weird double lives, okay fellow Christians?)…but I also believe in being real. Being real means we hurt, we get angry, and we mess up. Life is not always pretty. I believe it can be wonderful, but it can be messy, and that's okay - it's real life. To me, that means we are in this constant state of learning how to deal with what comes our way. In a perfect world, we trust God 100%, and keep moving forward without a second thought, knowing without any doubt that He has our best in mind.
…but in the spirit of being real, it isn't that easy, right? I do trust God, but that's not to say there aren't days when I sincerely question Him. That's reality! Because I don't understand…I don't understand why this happened, I don't understand why it had to be our baby. It sounds harsh, but I don't get why people who don't want babies get pregnant and have them, while we have to endure this loss. It's those kind of thoughts that lead me to question and wonder what God is doing through this.
Each day I see good that is working its way out of our circumstance. Just the other day, Ryan and I were able to connect with a couple who lost their sweet baby girl just a couple of weeks ago. I was having a really rough morning, and by the end of my morning, I was introduced to them, and able to pray with them. It was sincerely one of the best/worst moments of my life. Best because I knew how to be there, worst because I hate that we are connected by the loss of our children. I went home that day and continued to pray, and ask God why.
Why…why…why…
The beauty of being real, is I know it is exactly as my mama told me. He can take it. He can take all of my questions, my anger, my wondering…He can take it.
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| A few of my favorite flowers for Emmett. |
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