Missing Emmett.

To be blunt…I am having a difficult week.  For the most part, I am able to focus on the positive in my life…but I'm really having a hard time with just about everything this week.  Yesterday we hit the one month mark, which was…sad and good (in a sense).  Another weird mix of emotions.  I'm glad because time is going quickly, but I'm just sad because I really miss him.  I feel this major fear that people around us are just "forgetting"…and if you couldn't already tell, I so desperately want people to remember our baby boy.

It has just not been the world's most amazing week for me, emotionally.

I miss sharing my body with him.  I hate this feeling of being robbed of a lifetime with our child.  I hate not knowing what his personality would have been like.  (Quieter and gentle like his daddy, or "spunky" like his mama? :)  I hate wondering whether or not he would have been musical…although I'm pretty sure he would have been at least a little bit musical!  I mean, how could he not be?!?

I know in the future, I will love every moment with my children.  I can't wait for 2 am feedings, exploding diapers, and tantrums in the grocery store (kind of).  I truly look forward to those days.  When I hear someone complain about their children, I kind of just want to smack them.  I know you're human, and 99% of the time, it's not someone I know very well, so I know they don't even realize how much it pains me to hear them say that.  I also know it's not appropriate to smack people…not saying I don't/won't/haven't ever done that, but I do know it's wrong.  I'm working on myself people, I am still human, and so far from perfect.

I'm sure people are sick of me saying so, but I can't wait to see my baby boy again.  Our perfect, beautiful baby…I'm going to hold onto him so tight!  My friend texted me yesterday and said she was certain he was celebrating his "one month day" with Jesus…which made me smile.  I mean, how awesome is that thought??  I tried to hold onto that image instead of the sadness that kept me in bed all morning.  Like I said to her, losing Emmett has left an unimaginable hole in my heart, and I just can't wait for the day when I see him again.