For us, this year has been full of loss. There have been some incredible rays of sunshine, but when I think of 2015, I'll forever think of loss. I'll think of the way my year started, full of anticipation and excitement, and how it quickly turned into my absolute worst nightmare. I'll also remember the tentative steps I took towards my new standard of "normal" (whatever that actually means, right?), and I'll definitely remember the joy of becoming pregnant again. Yes, I will forever remember this year as the year of incredible loss and excruciating pain, but if I'm honest, I'll also remember it as the year of God's unceasing faithfulness and kindness.
I oftentimes feel so weak, especially when I really start to think about facing the darker emotions associated with grief and mourning. I sincerely try to call on God on those moments. Although I have yet to have the sky part and Jesus come down in person to chat with me, I can truly say that I know He has never left my side throughout every valley-moment this year. Even over these last couple of months, when I was overcome with new and extremely challenging waves of grief (all neatly tied together with anxiety and panic attacks, more on that later though). Ryan and I talk often about how as awful as this year has been, God has shown up again and again, reminding us that He is still there, still speaking, and still loving us. I find myself in tears when I think about the good that has come out of this year, and out of losing our firstborn. I weep with joy when I think about Ella, and how Emmett so graciously made the way for her to be part of our lives, even by opening our hearts to the idea of starting our family sooner than expected :) I smile when I think about the way our friends and family have continuously rallied around us throughout the year, whether it was by simply sitting quietly with me at Emmett's grave while I wept, or bringing a meal, or cleaning my house...the list goes on. Simply put, so much good has come out of a horrible circumstance. Call it what you want, but I know for a fact that it's God - revealing Himself and His character over and over again.
Yes, 2015 has been rough, to say the least. Losing our son is not something I would have ever wished for, nor would I wish it upon my worst enemy. It's a deep pain, that cuts to the very core of who you are; oftentimes, without even realizing it, it redefines your entire person. Suddenly you find yourself seeing the entire world in a new way. For me, I feel as though I'm finding it easier to be compassionate, because I just don't know what battles a stranger might be facing. I also find myself loving a little more freely, and (usually), treating others with kindness. Losing Emmett taught me how to really love others well; to love fully, without expectations or conditions. For that, I am forever grateful. (Thank you, sweet boy.)
Looking forward to 2016, I have decided to make a goal of continuing to improve upon my self-care. I know it's that time of year when everyone sets goals, but this has been a process that has been in the works for the past few months. I'm hoping to make 2016 the year where I not only take better care of myself physically (even in the simple way of regularly cutting my hair), but mentally and emotionally as well. I'm carving out more time to slow down, and daily reminding myself of this important life lesson. There is much to look forward to, namely the arrival of our second child, in just a few short weeks!
So, goodbye 2015. I don't feel like I can say you were the absolute worst year, because you allowed me time with each of my children, you made my marriage stronger, and my faith greater.
Dear 2016, please be better than last year.
So, goodbye 2015. I don't feel like I can say you were the absolute worst year, because you allowed me time with each of my children, you made my marriage stronger, and my faith greater.
Dear 2016, please be better than last year.
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