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I don't know if anyone even noticed, but I unpublished this space for awhile.
In the back of my mind, I kept experiencing this nagging feeling.
What to do with Grace in Chaos...
Does anyone even read??
It won't last forever.
I don't want to seem like the most annoying/negative/sad/pathetic person 100% of the time, and that's mainly what I broadcast here.
When I first started this blog, suuuper fresh in the throes of new grief, it provided the sweetest space for me to share my thoughts, hopes, frustrations. I thought I could be (another) voice for the grieving parent. I was honest, raw, and real.
When I became pregnant with Ella, the blog fell to the wayside, as crippling fear and anxiety took control of my life. I still feel nauseous and nervous when I think about what that journey was like for me. For all of the love, joy, and excitement, there was overwhelming fear. The thought of, 'what if' haunted everything. Every kick and sweet baby movement was quickly overshadowed with thoughts of, What if this is the last time I feel this? It was horrible. When I briefly tried to share some of my feelings, I was quickly dismissed or disregarded. Some people didn't know our full story, some simply thought the joy should be enough to sustain us. So, I turned inward.
I barely communicated with people around me, and avoided therapy until the tail end of my pregnancy. I had gotten to a place where I couldn't get out of bed most days - I was overwhelmed with heartache over our son, and panicking over every little thing. When I finally forced myself to make the call to a therapist, and got to the office, I came to the realization that part of my struggle was reliving the past. The seasons of my pregnancies lined up, and it felt like I was reliving Emmett's pregnancy, subconsciously expecting things to end in the same way.
Simply put, I did survive. (Barely. And that's not a joke - ask my therapist.) Ella made it into the world, by the grace of God and thanks to the most incredible midwife in the world. (Along with the rest of the teams at U of M.) And here we are, two years later.
This space has been used as a diary, and I like to think it's being used or has been used by other people who have experienced similar losses. I know I have a slightly skewed perception, with my faith, and I know others who have experienced a loss like ours, who are going on without a similar set of beliefs. I've poured my heart out, and I've shared some lighthearted posts, because who doesn't want to eat cookies or hear about Disney World? Ha! (Side note: if you don't want to, then this isn't the blog for you.)
I was thinking about it, and all I can think is this blog is truly like my life. There are amazing seasons and challenging seasons. Seasons of growth, seasons of pain, seasons of blessing. You get it all here. I don't know that this space will ever become one of those polished, carefully edited and curated spaces you see on other sites - because that's not reality. These posts are reality for me. And I hope that's okay for the few that continue to read here.
We'll see if and when I continue to post here. I've thought a lot about this space over the last few months, and I do want to use it, I just don't want to be insincere. I don't fit in one blogging box. I'm not just a mother, I'm a mother without one of her children. I'm not the most creative, but I do try and have fun with things. I'm not a career woman, but I do have dreams of my own, and I do work hard.
If you've made it this far, I wish I could give you a cookie, or hug. (Please accept this virtual hug, okay?) Who knows what direction this space will go. Probably a little all over the map, as it has over the last few years. And that's okay. That's real life.
So excited to see & hear more!!
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