To put it plainly, lately I've been struggling. I have a lot more days where I find myself weighed down by this heavy burden of depression and anxiety. For me, I find myself having these "attacks", where I feel extremely shaky, my heart races, and sometimes it feels like I'm starting to black out. It's really terrifying, and frustrating, to say the least. I know everyone struggles with different things in their lives, and right now, this is what I'm struggling with. I'm slowly taking some steps to get that under control, but it's been...a journey.
Last year was an incredible roller coaster. I hit some major highs, and some crazy lows. I still feel like I am the epitome of this meme/graphic:
Seriously. All. Over. The. Place. (Anyone who has experienced any level of loss knows what I mean.)
The onset of the holiday season basically sent me into a pretty bad downward spiral. Unfortunately, I've found myself isolating a lot (to an unhealthy level), and my anxiety has brought me to a place where, like I was telling Ryan the other night, I feel like every aspect of my life is paralyzed with fear. It's an irrational fear, one that doesn't make sense. It consumes me, frustrates me, and has made me feel like a failure. I know being pregnant and hormonal is an added factor to this season, which is something I try to remind myself of. Sometimes though, I just get so overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with this painful, painful ache for our baby boy.
A few weeks ago, I had a small breakthrough. I was having another bad day, where I felt like I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't function, couldn't think. I tried to pray, but I still felt that quiet emptiness. I suddenly felt like God was whispering to me, and I heard Him say, "Remember the good. See the good." I began to weep as I focused my attention and energy on the good in my life, even by remembering moments that followed the immediate aftermath of losing Emmett. Each memory brought to light the beautiful way God was making Himself known to us throughout each phase of the year. Truly, when I look back, I am overwhelmed by the goodness that abounded in 2015. The absolute worst thing happened, and yet there was still so much good.
The onset of the holiday season basically sent me into a pretty bad downward spiral. Unfortunately, I've found myself isolating a lot (to an unhealthy level), and my anxiety has brought me to a place where, like I was telling Ryan the other night, I feel like every aspect of my life is paralyzed with fear. It's an irrational fear, one that doesn't make sense. It consumes me, frustrates me, and has made me feel like a failure. I know being pregnant and hormonal is an added factor to this season, which is something I try to remind myself of. Sometimes though, I just get so overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with this painful, painful ache for our baby boy.
A few weeks ago, I had a small breakthrough. I was having another bad day, where I felt like I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't function, couldn't think. I tried to pray, but I still felt that quiet emptiness. I suddenly felt like God was whispering to me, and I heard Him say, "Remember the good. See the good." I began to weep as I focused my attention and energy on the good in my life, even by remembering moments that followed the immediate aftermath of losing Emmett. Each memory brought to light the beautiful way God was making Himself known to us throughout each phase of the year. Truly, when I look back, I am overwhelmed by the goodness that abounded in 2015. The absolute worst thing happened, and yet there was still so much good.
I'm continuing to try to remember the good. Yes, I allow myself to feel the pain, I acknowledge it, embrace it a little, but I remember to not live in that moment or emotion. I'm trying really hard to go easy on myself, which isn't always easy, but I'm trying, which is all that matters.
Come at me, 2016. I think I'm ready for you.
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