The wonderful thing about finding out you're pregnant after a loss, is you discover a renewed sense of hope. The sad thing about finding out you're pregnant after a loss, is you realize the innocence of pregnancy is lost. You look around, you overhear conversations of other pregnant women who are whining about their stretch marks, and you realize you would give anything for that to be your biggest problem. Instead, your problem is you worry each day that you're going to lose this baby. You wonder if this one will make it. You wonder how you can hold onto your sanity as the days drag by.
Currently, these are some of the struggles I'm facing. While I rejoice in carrying our second child, the anxiety that is daily eating away at me is unreal. The past couple of weeks have even been filled with horrible nightmares about losing this baby, or experiencing the same heartbreak that we did with Emmett. I'm a bit over 17 weeks, and I've had so many people over the past few weeks comment to me, "Second trimester! You're in the safe zone!"
Unfortunately, I do not feel safe.
All I can think about is how last time, I made it to the safe zone, all the way past full term. I went into our last appointment hoping they would send me to the hospital, because maybe he was on his way...but instead, that was the appointment where they discovered his heart had stopped beating. These are the things I think about.
Of course, I try my best to focus on the good. Each successful appointment that we have is like a breath of fresh air. I rest easy for a couple of days, and relish each moment of relief. Usually, by the time the next appointment rolls around, I'm a nervous wreck again. That's where I'm at today.
Instead of wallowing, I'm trying to not think too much about what might happen, and focus on what I know. I know Emmett has a little brother or sister who is depending on me to take care of them. I know that this child, like Emmett, is a precious gift. This is what I'm trying to focus on, as much as possible. I have plenty of good things happening in my life, and I don't want to take the good for granted, as I know others have it much worse.
...
Pray for me today. Pray for Ryan, too. We are heading out momentarily for another routine appointment. Pray for our nerves, pray for this appointment, and pray for this baby.
Currently, these are some of the struggles I'm facing. While I rejoice in carrying our second child, the anxiety that is daily eating away at me is unreal. The past couple of weeks have even been filled with horrible nightmares about losing this baby, or experiencing the same heartbreak that we did with Emmett. I'm a bit over 17 weeks, and I've had so many people over the past few weeks comment to me, "Second trimester! You're in the safe zone!"
Unfortunately, I do not feel safe.
All I can think about is how last time, I made it to the safe zone, all the way past full term. I went into our last appointment hoping they would send me to the hospital, because maybe he was on his way...but instead, that was the appointment where they discovered his heart had stopped beating. These are the things I think about.
Of course, I try my best to focus on the good. Each successful appointment that we have is like a breath of fresh air. I rest easy for a couple of days, and relish each moment of relief. Usually, by the time the next appointment rolls around, I'm a nervous wreck again. That's where I'm at today.
Instead of wallowing, I'm trying to not think too much about what might happen, and focus on what I know. I know Emmett has a little brother or sister who is depending on me to take care of them. I know that this child, like Emmett, is a precious gift. This is what I'm trying to focus on, as much as possible. I have plenty of good things happening in my life, and I don't want to take the good for granted, as I know others have it much worse.
...
Pray for me today. Pray for Ryan, too. We are heading out momentarily for another routine appointment. Pray for our nerves, pray for this appointment, and pray for this baby.
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