The immediate.

I wrote this post on June 9th, 2015, just a few days after finding out we were expecting again.  I waited to share, because we weren't quite ready to tell the world.  (We were only four weeks along at that point!)  So here it is - the raw, real reaction and emotions I've been facing since I saw those two bright pink lines that indicated #AnotherLittleBabyLangford.

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When we found out we were pregnant again, we were immediately overjoyed.  However, it only took about thirty seconds, and then I was sobbing, remembering our first son, reliving the pain of losing him, and suddenly realizing that I am going to have to face the next nine months with a distinct amount of uncertainty.

With Emmett, I had a perfect pregnancy.  I was healthy, he was healthy.  Everything went smoothly, up until the end.  

A "fluke", one doctor said.

A fluke.  Emmett dying was a fluke.

That word has never seemed quite strong enough.  There should be more meaning, more answers than "a fluke"…but there isn't.  His death was ruled a cord accident, as there didn't seem to be any other reason, but even that is not 100% for sure.  We'll never know, and like I always tell myself, it doesn't change anything, Emmett is still gone, and knowing what killed him won't bring him back.

This time, pregnancy is so different.  I constantly ride the fence between excited and anxious.  My grief has not magically faded away.  I still mourn for our first child.  This baby will not, and cannot replace him.  We will use most of what we had for Emmett for this child, but that doesn't make what happened before, "okay".  Being pregnant with our second child has only emphasized the fact that our children are irreplaceable.

I consider that to be a wonderful gift.  I would never want to take Emmett's life lightly, and I certainly do not want him to be forgotten.  (I think everyone around me gets that, as almost everyone in my life is kind enough to talk about him and remember him with me.)  This is our second child.  They'll never be the oldest, and we will make sure to share Emmett with this baby, so he can be part of their lives too.  It's so important to remember those we have lost, because they have impacted us in profound ways.  Without Emmett, I wouldn't be a mother, I wouldn't be the person I am today.  I wouldn't have known how strong I am, and I wouldn't fully realize the depth of my faith in God.  I am so thankful for these things, even though the memories are still painful.  It still hurts when I go to the cemetery, or when I see the nursery in our home.

As we begin to prepare for this baby, my mind is often on Emmett, and how we have done this before.  Unfortunately, the innocence of pregnancy has somewhat disappeared for me.  I understand that I am likely going to be on pins and needles for the next nine months.  I fight the fear, but it still creeps in, especially when I remember how picture perfect everything went the last time.  I know when this baby does arrive, it will bring fresh waves of grief for our first son, whom we never heard cry, whose smile we never knew.

I am so thrilled to be pregnant, and so scared.  I miss Emmett, and I know he's not coming back, and I hope I can love this next baby in the same fierce way that I love our first son…because if I'm being blunt, that's one of my biggest fears.  I want to love this child fully, and be a good mother.  I want to be present and not dwell too much on what could have been.  These are the things that I'll be praying for.  This pregnancy is very bittersweet, but I want to try to fully embrace every minute.  I have already begun, and will continue to thank God each day that I get to carry this new blessing, even as I struggle with the pain of my lost baby love, because I am blessed, and I am so incredibly thankful.